On Self-Defense and Victim-Blaming

[agilebrit]

Okay, look.

We live in a world where Bad People do Bad Things and frankly don't give a shit who they hurt.

Should we teach our boys that Rape Is Bad? Of course. And we do. I don't know a single man who thinks it's okay to coerce a woman into having sex, and every one of the men of my acquaintance thinks that rapists are the scum of the earth. Hell, even other criminals hate rapists.

We should also teach them that robbing banks is bad, and setting houses and woods on fire is bad, and killing people is bad. Newsflash: We. Already. Do. This. If we are not doing this, we are falling down on the job as parents and a society.

Another newsflash: Sometimes our kids don't listen to us. We can teach them all the right things, and they still make their own terrible choices. It happens. Free Will is a Thing.

So. Knowing that we live in this kind of world, what's better? To tell potential victims to "Lie back and think of England"? Or to tell them "Shoot him in the face"? Telling them "hey, self-defense is something you should learn" is not "victim blaming." It is common fucking sense. It is taking back the night. I thought we wanted this, but somehow, somewhere, saying "learn self-defense, because this is smart" suddenly turned into "we should just wish rape away because that is super effective."

Seriously, what's a better deterrent? Having a finger shaken in your face and being told that what you're doing is bad and you should feel bad, or having a gun shaken in your face and being told that, along with a solid kick to the nuts or knee, an elbow to the jaw, and a punch to the throat?

I realize that not everyone is willing or able to obtain a concealed-carry permit, or is able to take self-defense classes. I am an old(ish), small-boned woman with a herniated disk in my back. The wrong move, on the wrong day, puts me on the ground, writhing in agony. But the thing is, the bare fact that there are people who are willing and able to put it on the line makes everyone else safer. A potential rapist shouldn't know if the victim he's scoping out is the sort who will hurt him--and that should at least make him a bit uneasy. I for one like the idea of uneasy rapists. And uneasy criminals, period.

Shouldn't we all?

Criminy, the fact that this is somehow controversial makes me weep for my country.

Comments

[jimhines.livejournal.com]

So. Knowing that we live in this kind of world, what's better? To tell potential victims to "Lie back and think of England"? Or to tell them "Shoot him in the face"?

Sigh. I really wish people would stop misrepresenting the conversation this way, setting up false binaries and so on. It's not helpful.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Well, that's the "conversation" I'm seeing. The Twitter explosion after Miss Nevada said what she did horrified me. People were saying (apparently in all seriousness) that teaching women self-defense is not the best way to protect them against assault.

Well. Then... what the hell is? Because, as I stated, we live in a world where bad people do bad things. Wishing them away does not work and will never work until Christ comes back to reign on Earth.

We do not live in a world where unicorns fart skittles and rainbows. Being able to nominally protect yourself against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune seems like a good idea to me, whether it's through a jujitsu class or a concealed-carry one. And saying that is not "victim blaming," FFS.

[jimhines.livejournal.com]

I have nothing against self-defense. I get tired of it being the only option pushed by a large, vocal crowd in every conversation about rape. I get tired of people saying, "She should just shoot him/kick him in the balls" as if this would work for the majority of victims or rapes. I get tired of having all of the other work being done dismissed as "wishful thinking."

Maybe you need to look more closely at the conversation, particularly at the conversation that involves people actively studying and working against rape.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Please tell me what would be effective in a "majority" of cases then. I would think a knee to the balls would cool the jets of a date rapist or a marital rapist right quick, myself. But then, I lack that equipment and don't have firsthand knowledge.

And, you know, I get that people freeze in bad situations, or that they may be unwilling to hurt another person, and that it's not "just" a matter of doing anything. And that is not the victim's fault either.

But to turn "learn self-defense" into "you're blaming the victim if you say that" makes me crazy.

[jimhines.livejournal.com]

If I had a simple, one-size-fits-all solution, you think I wouldn't be out shouting it from the rooftops?

Self-defense can help someone avoid getting raped in some circumstances, sure. Education can prevent some people from committing rape. Bystander intervention can help to prevent some rapes. Fixing our legal system could help to reduce rape.

I don't think there is one simple solution. I think this requires a lot of work on a lot of levels. Which is why it's so frustrating to me when so much of that work gets mocked and blown off by folks who are only willing to look at the simplistic "Just put a bullet in their brains" thing.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

And, okay, we're already working on all that.

What set me off was people actively attempting to knock an actual effective pin out from under the issue. A rapist (in general) wants an easy victim. By telling women that "if someone tells you to learn self-defense they are blaming the victim and you shouldn't have to do that," we are making it easier on rapists. Because then women think "oh, I shouldn't have to do that." And so they don't.

And that's stupid.

Because, you're right, honey, no, you shouldn't have to do that. Any more than a bank should have to put a dye pack in their bags. But you should do it anyway, because being more helpless in a situation like that is bad.

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

The world is what it is, not what it should be

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

Learning armed and unarmed self-defense is a very good idea as well as common sense. It increases your agency and your ability to take care of yourself and others. It is helpful in other situations besides potential rape: Home invasion, mugging etc. A criminal looks for easy prey. The ability to resist makes you a harder target. This helps you as well as others, like your family.

[werewolf-hacker.livejournal.com]

Seriously.

I think part of the problem is that the two "sides" in this (why the hell are there sides? We should all be on the same damn side!) are talking past each other. One side says "This is a way (not the only way, mind you, but a way) to deal with rapists" and the other side screams at them that "There shouldn't be rapists in the first place and you're victim-blaming if you give women the tools to defend themselves!"

Which is, once again, the Perpetually, Professionally Offended looking for reasons to be perpetually, professionally offended, and so they find them. And look like insane harpies in the process. I mean, I'm looking at some of those tweets and going "Dude, seriously?"

[honorh.livejournal.com]

I'm all for self-defense, I really am. But it's not that simple. A woman may not be able to kick a guy in the balls. She may be incapacitated, she may have a gun pointed at her or her loved ones, she may just freeze up and not be able to respond. It's not, unfortunately, the answer to the problem of rape.

It's not just about telling men it's not okay to rape, either. It's about making them understand that no one will try to cover up for them if they do. No one will "understand" that "that's just the way guys are" and "she should have known better than to etc. etc." No one will blame anyone but him for his own actions. No one will excuse him.

If you think the above isn't a problem in our society, just for one small look at a place that should definitely know better, Google Boz Tchavidjian, grandson of Billy Graham. He's created a ministry called GRACE--Godly Response to Abuse in a Church Environment. What he has to say about how too many churches and Christian organizations treat rape and abuse victims will break your heart. And that just one segment of the population. It's not even about how secular colleges cover up sex abuse and rape, especially when popular athletes are involved. It's not even about how high schools cover it up when reputations are at stake.

In too many ways, in too many places, men are told that rape is normal. That if a woman is vulnerable, it's only to be expected that she'll get raped. That it's freaking natural. And if that can be changed, I want to change it.

[werewolf-hacker.livejournal.com]

And I am all for that. I would love to live in a culture that didn't blame victims for being victimized. I would love to live in a culture where Bystander Syndrome wasn't a thing.

I would also love to not live in a culture where we suddenly decided that taking one weapon out of the arsenal by calling something victim-blaming when it isn't was peachy-keen.

I realize that self-defense is not the answer to all rape, any more than a fire extinguisher is an answer to all fires. But it is certainly an answer to some rape, and I keep a fire extinguisher in my kitchen.

[garnigal.livejournal.com]

Isn't it the same with any argument though? People pick a "side", and because most people are emotionally driven, they don't argue logically; it becomes 'this is what I feel, and if you tell me there's another way, you are telling me I'm wrong". I've seen it in mommy-circles (breast is best becoming if you don't breast feed you are harming your child), I've seen it in politics and religion, activist culture and even at work, trying to design the next version of our software.

Why can't people just be logical?!?!?

I will absolutely ensure my daughter learns self-defense, and more importantly situational awareness. I will teach her to trust her instincts, that not everyone is safe to be around, to guard against roofies, to always think about a backup plan, and to use the buddy system. I will freely tell her that it sucks that these are things she and I have to think about, and that her male cousins and friends don't have to have the same kind of vigilance to stay safe.

I will also talk loudly to anyone who listen, and more importantly to anyone who doesn't want to listen that there is more to rape culture than just rape. That cat-calling, name-calling, pressuring to 'go out with me, I'm a good guy', or dismissing ideas simply because they come from a female also needs to be fought against and guarded against. That there's things and people out there that want to put you down, to put you in a position that they think is appropriate no matter how you feel about it, and that even if you can't kick them in the balls, there are other ways to fight, whether it's believing someone when they say they've been victimized, standing up against someone who says that there's no such thing as marital rape or whatever situation you find yourself in.

[werewolf-hacker.livejournal.com]

Seriously. It's not either-or, it's both-and. You deal with what is and fight for what should be and realize that, at the end of the day, rapists gonna rape because evil exists.

And removing an effective weapon in the arsenal--in the erroneous name of "not blaming the victim"--is not just stupid and counterproductive, but actively dangerous.

[psubrat.livejournal.com]

I wish I could like this post a million times. I also agree with werewolf_hacker comments. I don't understand why we can't do both - spread awareness AND teach women self-defense. I weep for my country too.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I'm... just... GAH.

And werewolf_hacker is me, too lazy to log out of his roleplay account. :D