Arrant Nonsense

I won't even call you scam artists because you're just not that good. But here's a newsflash for you: I've been on to you since way before the first time you called me. So when I get a call that hangs up on me, and google the number, and see via the helpful folks at 800notes that it's one of you? I figure you'll probably call back because you know you've got a live one. And I prepared for that, oh yes I did.

Sure enough, you did. After the usual "your computer has been sending errors to us" spiel, you asked me to turn it on. I informed you that it was on, and I was in front of it right now. And that's when it got funny.

"What's on your screen right now?" you asked.

I answered sweetly, "An article from Wired.com titled 'What happens if you play along with a Microsoft tech support scam.'"

"Oh." *click*

Hilarity ensued from my husband and son. But you, my friend, got off lightly. Because I kept the last scammer on the phone for nearly 13 minutes, wasting his time and letting him think I was falling for it. I do this for entertainment. So you might as well stop calling me.

I know you won't, though. So I'll continue to string you along every time you call, keeping you from calling some poor schlub who might actually fall for your dumb scheme.

No love,
Me

In other news, I got word the other day that they're starting audiobook production for my novel! So that is spiffy and awesome. I'm thrilled.

And I got an acceptance from Far Fetched Fables for the cow story, which will be going into audio production soon.

In other other news, the White Cat passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was nearly 16 and had chronic feline rhinotracheitis her entire life, and managed to outlive both the dog and the other cat, but it's still never easy, especially so soon after the dog passed. Before you ask, yes, we're going to get a pair of kittens, but after the holidays and all the travel that entails.

And in yet other critter news, if you haven't been following along, we went to the pet store for a guinea pig hammock and, uh, came home with another guinea pig. All three of them are still figuring out exactly what this is, and we haven't left the new one alone overnight in the cage with the other two, who are more than twice his size. But they're getting along okay, as good as guinea pigs get along, I guess, and Gandalf is little and cute and I'm pretty sure that he is also a Silky rather than an American breed. He's got the same sort of hair that Killian had when we got him. But we shall see. He's super cuddly. <3

Also, mad props to Kurt Russell, who laid a beautiful smackdown on a clueless reporter vis a vis guns. I have many thoughts about the issue myself, but that will require an entry of its own.

The Monsters Storybundle ends around midnight (give or take, depending on where you are) tonight. Let me tell you about the last three books I haven't mentioned yet:

Empty Rooms
by Jeffrey J. Mariotte

Richie Krebbs is an ex-cop, a walking encyclopedia of crime and criminals who chafes at bureaucracy. Frank Robey quit the FBI and joined the Detroit PD, obsessed with the case of a missing child and unwilling to leave the city before she was found. When Richie unearths a possible clue in one of Detroit's many abandoned homes, it puts him on a collision course with Frank—and with depths of depravity that neither man could have imagined.

How do people who dwell in the darkest places—by profession or predilection—maintain their connection to the world of light and humanity? Richie and Frank will need every coping mechanism at their disposal to survive their descent into darkness and emerge unbroken on the other side.

With Empty Rooms, bestselling award-winning novelist Jeffrey J. Mariotte introduces crime savant Krebbs and obsessive comic book fan Robey, who will quickly join the ranks of the most beloved heroes of thriller literature.

Helmet Head
by Mike Baron

Helmet Head. He was just a rumor to the rough and dangerous "one-percenters"—a monstrous motorcyclist dressed all in black who rode the back roads of Little Egypt cutting off the heads of other bikers with a samurai sword. But on one terrible stormy night, Deputy Pete Fagan discovers that Helmet Head is all too real—and consumed with a fury that won't be satisfied until his demonic sword drinks its fill.

CURATOR'S NOTE:
Mike Baron is best known for his comics work, creator of The Badger, co-creator of Nexus, writer for The Punisher, The Flash, and others. He also writes such edgy, raw, powerful fiction that I called him the literary equivalent of Quentin Tarantino. I've published several of his novels at WordFire, but the most monstrous one is HELMET-HEAD, a nasty undead Nazi headhunter preying on and decapitating the toughest bikers. Sounds yummy! It certainly belongs here in this bundle. – Kevin J. Anderson

Monster Academy
by Matt Forbeck

When an explosion awakens young Ruddy in his dungeon bedroom in Castle Chaos, he escapes to the top of the tallest tower and tries to flee by transforming into his true form: a fire-breathing dragon. Instead, he's captured by the Royal Watch and registered for classes at the Royal Academy for Creature Habilitation, a juvenile hall for young monsters.

Under the watchful eye of his undead principal, Mr. Mortis, Ruddy must deal with his werewolf and goblin roommates and contend with a pair of troll-orc bullies bent on showing him who's boss at this school. But it all gets worse when a famed monster hunter turns up dead and the dragon kid is accused of his murder.

Ruddy and his new friends must work fast to clear his name. Otherwise, Abbot Pious will declare him guilty, close down the school, and put him to death!

CURATOR'S NOTE:
Matt Forbeck is well known in the gaming and media tie-in world and we keep crossing paths in discussion groups, social media, and the convention circuit. I was looking for some new names to include here, and when Matt suggested MONSTER ACADEMY I couldn't have asked for anything more appropriate. – Kevin J. Anderson

Pick up your Monsters today! You won't be able to tomorrow.

Apparently you need a paid account to see the actual review, but I got this in my inbox today from my editor on that anthology, the handsome and hard-working Bascomb James:

An attempt to harness the magic of mid-century science fiction is mostly fun, with a few exceptions, in Bascomb’s second Far Orbit collection. There are a few gems among the 13 stories, including Julie Frost’s “The Affairs of Dragons,” which is an utterly charming Firefly-esque tale about a space captain and his crew that take on very unusual cargo: a clutch of dragon eggs that must be kept safe at all costs, but when they hatch, the crew find themselves in the middle of a dragon clan war and a wily bunch of tiny, hungry fire-breathers.

There's more, but, uh. They mention my story first and call it "utterly charming." Aaaaaaaahhhhh.

Speaking of Awesome Things, the Monsters Storybundle is still going for a few days. If you haven't picked up your collection of completely awesome monster books, don't wait too long, because once it's gone, it's gone!

Two of the offerings are of particular interest to the lovers of prehistoric life. Here's a couple of blurbs for you:

Jurassic Dead by David Sakmyster and Rick Chesler
An Antarctic research team hoping to study microbial organisms in an underground lake discovers something far more amazing: perfectly preserved dinosaur corpses. After one thaws and wakes ravenously hungry, it becomes apparent that death, like life, will find a way. Environmental activist Alex Ramirez, son of the expedition's paleontologist, came to Antarctica to defend the organisms from extinction, but soon learns that it is the human race that needs protecting.

Mammoth Dawn by Kevin J. Anderson and Gregory Benford
Extinction is not permanent. Not anymore.

Multi-millionaire researcher Alex Pierce has developed cutting-edge genetic techniques to extract viable DNA from preserved samples of breathtaking species that humans have erased from the Earth. From passenger pigeons and Tasmanian tigers, to Pleistocene dire wolves and sabretooths... even the humble dodo.

The cornerstone of Alex's dream is to resurrect the woolly mammoth. Majestic and massive, these creatures no longer roam the world, driven to extinction by ancient hunters. At his isolated Pleistocene Ranch in the wilds of Montana, Alex has actually bred the very first mammoth to walk the Earth in 10,000 years.

But there are those who believe what is extinct should remain extinct, and that any tampering goes against the laws of nature. And their fervor may be far stronger than Alex's dreams.

Mammoth Dawn is the original acclaimed novella written by New York Times bestseller and Hugo and Nebula Award nominee Kevin J. Anderson and multiple Hugo and Nebula winner Gregory Benford; this volume also includes their detailed chapter-by-chapter treatment of the full novel the two authors originally envisioned, as well as a non-fiction overview of current scientific attempts to clone mammoths—a reality that may be much closer than you think.

Pick up your storybundle! Tell your friends! Give authors a good paycheck! You know you want to...

After a long wait, my zombie story "Daddy's Little Girl" is available on Amazon from Stupefying Stories! Shamble on over and pick up a copy--it's only a buck for four stories. What better way to celebrate Halloween?

Speaking of Monsters, the Monsters Storybundle ends in eight and a half days, so grab yours today. Once it's gone, it's gone for good. Twelve full-length novels by awesome authors, many of whom you've heard of and some you'll be hearing of, for fifteen dollars. You can't beat that with a stick!

The Monster of the Day is: "The Wolf at the End of the World" by Douglas Smith. A shapeshifter hero battles ancient spirits, a covert government agency, and his own dark past in a race to solve a murder that could mean the end of the world. Cree and Ojibwe legends mix with current day environmental conflict in this fast-paced urban fantasy that keeps you on the edge of your seat right up to its explosive conclusion.

This is super awesome, you guys:

The Monsters Bundle is what October is all about. Bestselling author Kevin J. Anderson has put together a monstrous collection of for this bundle. You want werewolves? Check out Julie Frost's Pack Dynamics and Douglas Smith's The Wolf at the End of the World. Prehistoric monsters? Try Jurassic Dead by David A. Sakmyster and Mammoth Dawn by Kevin J. Anderson and Gregory Benford.

You want occult forces and investigations? We have The Love-Haight Case Files by Jean Rabe and Don Bingle, Working Stiff: The Cases of Dan Shamble, Zombie, P.I. by Kevin J. Anderson, and For This Is Hell by Aaron Rosenberg and Steven Savile. Horrific killers that make Hannibal Lecter look like a lightweight? There's Empty Rooms by Jeffrey J. Mariotte and Helmet Head by Michael A. Baron. Or just plain scary weirdness? Matt Forbeck's Monster Academy, Josh Vogt's Enter the Janitor, and Keith R.A. deCandido's Cayo Hueso. Plus you can choose to donate to The Challenger Learning Center when you grab a bundle!

Basically, pay what you want above a minimum of (I believe) $3, and get six books. Pay $15 or more and get twelve books. There's a FAQ.

It's available for a limited time only, so grab it while you can, sometime in the next three weeks. And please spread the word to folks you think might be interested.

The handsome and hard-working Larry Correia is book bombing my novel today. In case you don't know what this means, it's that we all buy a book on the same day, send it flying up the Amazon charts, and do fun things with their algorithms. If you buy other urban fantasy with it, that gets it on genre-appropriate rec lists. If you buy weird things with it, that gets it on ... weird rec lists.

Here is a handy link whereby you can buy it! Lookit that cover, you guys, I'm still in awe.

There's all kinds of spiffy urban fantasy out there. In the interests of paying it forward, I'll list some of my favorite authors, and you should definitely check out their stuff:
Jim Butcher (duh)
Larry Correia (duh)
Carrie Vaughn
Patricia Briggs
Diana Pharaoh Francis
Rob Thurman
Kevin Hearne
Anton Strout
ML Brennan (I just got into the Generation V novels, and they are a ton of fun)
PN Elrod
Charlaine Harris

Those are off the top of my head right now, and people I've personally read, though I've got people like Quincy Adams, Josh Vogt, and Ramon Terrell on my list--I shared the WordFire booth with them at SLComicCon, and they're awesome. Feel free to leave your own recs in the comments!

And while you're at it, you should pre-order Larry's forthcoming epic fantasy novel "Son of the Black Sword."

Many, many thanks to all the wonderful people at WordFire who made this possible. Kevin J. Anderson, who rushed production (but didn't skimp) when I mentioned I would like to be able to hand a copy of the book to Jim Butcher; Peter Wacks, who took my pitch and has been enormously helpful in helping me figure out where to go next; Emma Michaels, who designed my amazing cover; and Bryan Thomas Schmidt, who took a novel I wrote six years ago and made it suck far less.

And an extra special thanks to Larry, who is amazeballs. <3

I shared booth space with living legends: Jim Butcher, RA Salvatore, Terry Brooks, Kevin J. Anderson, Chuck Gannon, Rebecca Moesta, Peter Orillian, Larry Corriea, Dave Farland, Tracy Hickman. And we had plenty of up-and-coming stars: Josh Vogt, RJ Terrell, Steve Diamond, Dan Willis, Peter Wacks. I know I'm leaving people out, to my everlasting shame, but there were so many books and authors and it was so incredibly amazing that it kind of overwhelmed my brain.

Also. My book sold out. My book sold out. MY BOOK SOLD OUT.

I got to hand a copy of it to Jim Butcher--after I encountered him wandering around in befuddlement looking for the booth and took him thataway. I hope I wasn't too fangirly. But I thanked him for Michael Carpenter (again), and told him I loved "Skin Game." I asked Kevin Hearne a question during his spotlight, but cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

We had a launch party in the bar that was super fun and quite successful. I signed lots of books. My feet hurt all the way up to my kneecaps, but it's the pain of accomplishment, by golly. I spent most of my time in the booth and probably only saw about half the actual show, but it was time well spent and we sold a ton of books.

I had a productive meeting with my acquisitions editor today, and hashed out some stuff vis a vis the short stories in the 'verse and a couple of thoughts about a sequel. No, not that sequel, that sequel is complete and utter id-fic and will not see the light of day. But a different sequel, which I actually seeded in the first book without even meaning to. Go, me!

And apparently some girls came to the booth on Saturday while I was off doing something (probably the Jim Butcher spotlight) and said "Is Julie Frost here? We read her book and really liked it and want to talk to her about it!" And the booth people were kind of confused. "You've read it already? When did you buy it?" Because, yeah, it debuted this weekend, right? And isn't available anywhere else yet. "Thursday!" So, uh. That happened. *flail*

And the brainweasels, the ones that say "they only did this to be nice, they didn't really think it would take off, and then they'd have an excuse to say 'well, we gave her a chance and it just didn't pan out'" are blessedly, blessedly silent.

Of course, the other brainweasels that are saying that "You had no idea what you were doing when you wrote the thing and you're never going to be able to duplicate that magic" are in full cry, but screw them. I have bunnies for the sequel. And, I mean. Clearly there should be bunnies in the sequel!

I've sent out nine personalized queries today.

I guess we'll see.

Still smacking the query letter around. Or being smacked around by it. Hard to tell.

And my penchant for not only mixing metaphors, but beating them into the ground until they sob in abject submission, is rearing its head again.

This thing started out as a chess metaphor. Ben = pawn in a lethal chess match, yadda yadda.

But now, he's taken control and changed the game to poker. Instead of getting pushed around the board, he's dealing the cards and putting his chips on the table. Except they're not chips he's actually willing to lose.

And I like the idea of him taking control and changing the game. This is a fine and shiny thing. I'm just...not sure that that sort of meta belongs in a query letter. And it's too wordy anyway.

The problem with the original final 'graph is that it looks like he's still getting pushed around instead of pushing back. If my protag is that wimpy, then who cares about him? So, the original fails too.

And again I say: ARGH.

So, I did the DVD Commentary Meme (still open for playing, if anyone wants to), and ravens_gate requested a DVD commentary of a DVD extra, namely, the scene in which Ben and Janni meet again for the first time five years after they graduate from high school and go their separate ways. She goes off to college and majors in Theater and English, and he toddles off to a couple of tours in Afghanistan, where he is captured by insurgents and torture ensues. And... go.


This came about because of my innate inability to just let things go.  The original scene was about three paragraphs long, and entailed Janni describing for Megan her first meeting with Ben after he came back from Afghanistan.  I decided that was too much telling and not enough showing, and went into flashback mode instead, which turned into more like 1700 words.  And that was a fine and shiny thing--except for my aforementioned inability to let things go.  I love writing the same scene from two different points of view (see: both Iron Man stories I've written), and this one has the added bonus of being in first person, which POV I also love writing in and don't do nearly enough of.

( The rest of it is under here. )