Arrant Nonsense

I will not name names here, but I will put forth the story as a cautionary tale.

I freely admit that I am mercenary, and I will write damned near anything if you throw enough money at my head. So when someone approaches me with an opportunity to "write for a movie or TV show," sure, I'm intrigued, but wary. When you say "Don't ask me about the money because I'm the least qualified person to handle it," I am less intrigued and more wary. When you tell me that you want ten professional writers for main plot, character, and worldbuilding stuff, plus an unknown number of amateur writers giving input (that can be vetoed by the "pro" writers), it starts sounding like a mess. Especially when you have yet to explain the actual premise of it to me but are acting like I'm wholly on board and signed up when I've said no such thing.

And then, when I put the title of the project together with the art you show me, and the penny drops for me that this thing is probably something not in my wheelhouse--that it is, in fact, an x-rated outer-space harem manga with one human-looking dude and seven human/alien hybrid women and a "feminist balance" (whatever the hell that means--I'm going with "lots of voyeuristic lesbian sex," here, but I could be wrong)? And I mention that I don't write women too often and that I have a problem with third-wave feminism? And your reaction is to block me from your personal facebook and the project's facebook too?

Well, dude. I think I just dodged a bullet.

I mean, this is clearly one of those "I have this great idea, you should write it (along with nine other people and these artists too!) and we'll split the proceeds!" things. This guy has no earthly idea what he's really getting into, or trying to get other people into. The mind boggles at what kind of contract he'll come up with. Successful shared worlds do not work like this, or, at least, do not work like my tiny peek behind the curtain seemed to imply.

I would love to know why this guy thought I'd be perfect for writing his furry space orgy porn for him, or why he thought such a project would appeal to me, the conservative Christian who is (probably) old enough to be his mother. But he blocked me in a snit, so I guess it shall remain a mystery.

I know, I know, I always say that "there are no rules."

Welp. Maybe a few.

1. First and foremost: Do What Works For You. If you are an outliner, great! If you are a pantser, great! Some unholy amalgam of the two? Great! Ask twenty different writers what their process is, and you will get twenty different answers. Heck, my process is still evolving, and I've been at this awhile. A process that works beautifully on one piece may crash and burn on another. Be flexible.

2. Write What You Love. Yes, I realize that everyone always says "write what you know," and there's a certain element of truth to that--BUT. You can always find stuff out. With the advent of the internet, research is easy. Do you realize that we used to have physically go to the library, find things in the card catalog (yes, actual, physical cards, wrap your brains around that, kiddies), and then pull a book off the shelf and find the information in there that we needed? No more. A few typed words, a click of the mouse, and the world is at your fingertips.

Heck, if I stuck to writing what I personally know, I wouldn't have written any of my stories. I am not a billionaire genius pharmaceutical researcher, a werewolf anything, a time-traveling wizard, a necromancer, a Guardian Angel, a retired monster hunter, a butler, or a spaceship captain. I am certainly not male, although most of my protagonists are.

But writing what you love--that right there is where the magic happens. If you're passionate about your subject matter (no matter what it is; obviously for me, it's werewolves, but pick your poison), then it will come across in your prose (or poetry), and other people will love it too.

Corollary: Don't Write The Trend; Be The Trend. If you're trying to write novels to trends you're seeing in bookstores right now, understand that you're a good four years behind the curve. Publishing moves at a glacial pace. It will take you about a year to write and polish a novel. Call it another six months to find an agent. Call it another six months for them to find a publisher. And another eighteen months to two years before that book actually hits store shelves. With short fiction, you might be able to write to a trend, but don't count on it. Write your passion, and you might start the Next Big Thing yourself.

3. Grow Rhino Skin. I'm not even kidding. If you don't have it, then get some now. I just saw someone (who will remain unnamed) on a forum (which will also remain unnamed) go off on another poster for using the term "kid." He loudly proclaimed that he was not a "kid" and got terribly offended where offense was neither intended nor implied. I am fifty years old. I am new to that particular forum. By their standards, I, too, am a "kid." This kid? Is nineteen. Of all the things to get indignant about...

Look, kiddos. If you're going to fly off the handle at every little slight at an early point in your career, then what will you do when the rejections start rolling in, or when (not if, when) you get a scathing review? You have got to let that stuff roll off your back, or it will make you crazy. I have a tag which makes for entertaining reading on how not to act as a writer. You are not special. No one is going to wind bubble wrap around you and pat your widdle head. This business--and it is a business--is brutal. Sometimes stupidly so. And it's fine to rant about it. But do it behind locked posts to a small circle of friends; don't show your ass in public where editors will see it. If you look like someone who is difficult to work with, guess what? They won't want to work with you. Blowing a gasket over an imagined slight is a really good way to look like someone who is difficult to work with.

4. Write! Submit! Write! Submit! Corollary: Never Give Up, Never Surrender. If you want to make this a career, you have to finish things, and you have to send them out. They're not doing you a lick of good languishing on your hard drive. Make a spreadsheet, use the Submission Grinder or Duotrope or Ralan's or agentquery, and start getting your stuff in front of editors and agents. I have twenty-one pieces out right now, which is an embarrassment of riches and partially a function of the fact that I wrote sixteen stories last year. If you get a rejection, cry for two seconds and then send it someplace else. I have stories with over twenty rejections that finally got accepted to pro- or semi-pro-paying venues that didn't even exist when I first wrote them. New markets are popping up all the time. Find them, submit to them. If all else fails, then self-publish, which is not the Kiss of Death it used to be.

So. Those are the rules. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a werewolf to whomp.

Maybe. Although I feel kind of bad about fridging someone in the very first scene, especially since I know who she is now. But it gives my character (who is still nameless! *dies*) even more incentive to find out what really happened.

In other news, my (published) Mom pointed me at a blog post at Spinetingler, wherein we are shown, once again in living color, how not to behave as professional writers. Protip: If you've signed a contract with a publication, you can't just randomly pull out because you like your chances of getting more money elsewhere. That is a really crappy thing to do and could land you in legal hot water if they decided to pursue it. Also, if you've already sold First Rights, you can't turn around and sell them again, even if the story hasn't been published yet. It doesn't work that way.

And to burn a bridge with a well-respected publication (even if it doesn't pay much) is just stupid. Do you think they'll ever want to see another story by this author ever again? Editors talk to each other, too, so you can bet your ass that Itchy Feet's name is being bandied about in coffee shops and via email. Stupid, stupid move. Way to shoot yourself in your Itchy Feet, there, author.

Holy CRAP, y'all.

I've seen authors do dumb shit before. I've blogged about it.

But I'm pretty sure I've never seen anything like this.

So, what do you do if a reviewer/editor posts a review on their LJ that's less than flattering to your work?

Shrug it off, saying "to each their own"? That would be the smart thing to do.

Rant about it in a locked post on your own LJ? Not as smart, but probably acceptable if you keep it locked to people you know won't blab.

Rant about it in an unlocked post on LJ? Eh, that would probably be monumentally stupid.

However. Not as monumentally stupid as suggesting that the reviewer kill himself. And then, as icing on the cake, suggest that he take his cat with him.

Because, you know, that reviewer won't out you on his own LJ by publishing an email you sent him. And thus any career you might have had gets flushed straight down the toilet, because no one is going to want to deal with you after something like that.

Gee, it's a good thing that Kevin W. Reardon / Cole A. Adams is only in it for "the love of writing." Because that's about all he's going to get from here on out.

ETA: And now Mr. Adams/Reardon is sending death threats??? Oh. My. Gawd. I'm a writer, but, seriously. I've run out of words.

Son of ETA: And the review that spawned this? Kevin W. Reardon | "The Portico Angel" - a bad opening crippled this story for me plus the various relationships felt off. Suggesting someone kill themselves and death threats over THAT? Oh. Em. Gee.

Kristin at pubrants tells us of an author that sent her agency an Express Mail package containing a handwritten manuscript, with no email address or SASE.

Understand, of course, that this agency doesn't actually take hardcopy subs--they only take them via email.

Okay, y'all Special Snowflakes out there? You just keep on keepin' on. Because even though I'm pretty new to all this submitting stuff, you're making me look like a professional old hand.

In other news, anyone who's thinking about entering the sfwa "contest" that you may have seen advertised on Craigslist? DON'T. It's a big fat hoax. The Science Fiction Writers of America doesn't sponsor writing contests. And I'm pretty sure that if they did, they wouldn't charge you ten bucks to enter them.

Okay, fellow writers on my flist, when you get a rejection in which the editor actually takes the time to give you crit, do you:

(a) Shrug, say, "Oh well," and sub it to the next market.
(b) Rewrite the story based on the crit.
(c) Thank the editor for their time, whether or not you agree with the crit.
(d) Whine about it under lock and filter on your LJ...and send it off to the next market.
(e) Write a nasty screed to the editor, defending your work. When he writes you back, reiterate that you feel attacked, boo-frackin'-hoo. When he responds by smacking you with a banhammer, tell him to "Go f*** a spastic porcupine."

If you answered (e), congratulations, you're the latest in a long line of numpty authors who will not last long in this business.

Seriously, rejection isn't personal. The editor isn't rejecting you, s/he's rejecting that particular piece of writing. Some other editor may love it to bits and shower you with cash. This doesn't mean the previous editor was wrong, it just means that they didn't like that story.

It's not about you. It's about your work. Separate your ego from it and resist the urge to hit the REPLY button unless you're going to thank the editor. Because arguing? Never ends well.

And we wonder why editors send form rejections...

Of course, the form rejections get the frothing replies of rage too. But I bet they don't get them as often.

When last we left the Planet of Unprofessional Authors, a writer compared himself to Poe.

Now we have one comparing himself to Van Gogh and Picasso. Yes, we're painting pictures with words, but less can be more, dude, and I think you're stretching the metaphor.

I do not understand writers that act like this. At least when I get a rejection from Clarkesworld, I know that the editor actually read the sub, and usually all the way through to the end. And how do I know this? Because Nick doesn't send cookie-cutter form rejections. He tells you why he rejected the piece. Don't authors know how rare and golden that is?

And if you disagree with the crit, shrug and move on. Especially if you've already sold the piece elsewhere, dumbass. Jeepers.

Send an agent a long screed berating them for their polite (form) rejection, comparing yourself to Spielberg and Poe. Yeah, that'll do it. Especially when you didn't send them a writing sample, as outlined in their submission guidelines.

And this guy is obviously different from that other guy. This one can actually spell, and permutations of the word "ass" are conspicuously absent. ETA (after reading it again): Whoops, the word is there, but in a different context, and the letter is spelled properly, so I'm still going with my impression that it's a different guy.

So, hey, all you writers that take rejection personally, and feel the need to write to editors and agents telling them how butthurt you are? Y'all just keep on doing that. Because it'll make people like me, who don't feel the need to whine about rejections except in our personal blog under f-lock, stand out as someone they actually want to deal with.

Remember, it's a buyer's market out there.

(Seen via Scalzi.)

( Rambling about the stimulus payment, word pronunciation, the wacky wacky weather, and my horrible girly bits. )
For something completely different, I've discovered an object lesson in how a professional writer should not act under any circumstances.

Exhibit A: u have an attitude. then what the hell do you publish lip service? I don't need you.

Exhibit B: I have been published all over this world I don't need you attitude so I deleted your ass and have a good trip.

Exhibit C: Assholes like you are only amusing. And no, I don't need to watch what I say to editors. I am an editor of four publications. I have also published my poems 706 times in the last 14 months, in over 200 publications. Guidelines are important, but not to the point of exlusion for their own sake; over quality of submissions, or, even a novice such as myself to flash fiction.

These are all from the same guy, to two different publications...after he got rejected for sending them something completely out of guideline. Apex Digest doesn't publish poetry, and AlienSkin doesn't publish stories under 500 words, unless they're in the "micro" category, in which case they must be exactly 150 words.

But apparently Mr. Michael Lee Johnson thinks that he is a Very Special Snowflake, and the guidelines don't apply to him! After all, he's been published at a vanity press Lulu! You'd think that these would be the actions of a spoiled 18-year-old kid.

You'd be wrong. According to his profile on Blogger, he's sixty.

Oi.