For my own records...

[agilebrit]

Because I know she's going to delete it AGAIN, and there goes my review. So, here it is:

Okay, better...

But one big block of text is impossible to read. Start a new paragraph when a new character begins talking.

Commas are useful. They make your sentences more coherent and easy to read. Try reading the story out loud. If you're turning blue because you can't take a breath? That's a bad sign.

"Hay" is for horses. The word you're looking for is "hey." Most word processing programs have a handy "find and replace" function under "Edit."

The first word of a sentence has a capital letter, even if it's in quote marks. If a character asks another character a question, it ends in a question mark, thus: "So what do you want to eat?" asked Shayera.

I know this writing thing seems like a lot of hard work, and it is, but it's ultimately rewarding when you have something on the page you can be genuinely proud of. No one's asking you to be perfect (because I go over my stuff ten times and STILL find mistakes on the eleventh run-through), but it should look like you've polished it as well as you're able. :)

My inbox is still empty. But she did fix the script format and get rid of "sinus," so...maybe there's hope yet. But she really needs a beta reader. Or six.

I haven't even attempted to touch her plot, although many many things could be said about it. But she needs to fix her mechanics before she worries about the actual story, I think.

Comments

[mommanerd.livejournal.com]

Aww, she's listening to you!

Kind of sweet, in her little clueless way.

[mommanerd.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, I just read the story. I didn't get to see the two earlier submissions because they'd disappeared before I got a chance to do my snooping.

Anyhow - YOWSERS!

I mean, seriously.

Characters names are spelled differently within the story and massive homophone abuse.

I think she's eight. Do you think she's eight? Because, me... thinking she's eight.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

*nods* Eight would explain a LOT. Other than the sex. If she's eight, the Angel-having-sex-with-a-twelve-year-old-Slayer goes from "a little creepy" to "downright disturbing."

Damb, I wish I'd saved that story to my hard drive...

[baron-waste.livejournal.com]

I give you major, admiring credit for even trying. My "review" would have been This is utter crap, and a waste of the electricity your computer used while you were writing it. Get a job.

Which would not have been helpful at all.

Yet neither would it have been wrong...

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Very true, on both counts. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this writer is VERY young...and she's shown a willingness to take advice (by at least getting rid of "sinus" and editing the story so it wasn't in script format). So, I'd rather take someone like that by the hand and steer them toward penning something that they can look back on with pride, rather than cringing at.

Now, if she'd filled my inbox with screaming, whiny flames, or stuck a note on her profile hollering about meanies with no lives and wondering why grammar matters, the gloves would have come off. Right now, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

[bojojoti.livejournal.com]

I think you are right that she is very young. Twelve may seem grown up to her, therefore she doesn't think "pedophile," she thinks "grown up love." I hope you do get through to her.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Well, if she's under 13, then she shouldn't be posting at FFN at all. :-| They're growing up way too fast if she thinks that a twelve-year-old child having sex with a vampire ten times her age is acceptable.

Either that, or something else is going on with her. I shudder to think.