In the wake of the Steubenville rape case...

[agilebrit]

I have many feelings about this. Mainly rage. And sadness. We apparently live in a world where boys see a drunken, unconscious girl and think "Wow, I think I'll have sex with her right now," rather than thinking "Oh, shit, she's helpless and might get hurt, I'd better get her home." And when those boys have the first reaction rather than the second, we--well, not we, leave me and other decent human beings the hell out, but some--lament the fact that "their lives have been ruined."

No. Their lives have not "been" ruined. Some Fate from On High did not intervene and say "Hey, I think I'll ruin these kids' lives today." Their own actions and choices ruined their lives. Nothing more or less than that. No outside force made them do what they did. They chose, and chose stupidly and horribly and, dare I say, evilly. Their fauxpologies have done nothing to mitigate my opinion in this matter. I still don't think they're sorry they did it. Terribly sorry they got caught, yes, but not sorry they did it.

I think the harsh lesson here is: Ladies, no one else is going to protect you. You're on your own. Be careful, be vigilant, and don't be dumb with your own safety. And before you jump down my throat, please do not take this as me blaming the victim. I'm not. She is not responsible for those boys' actions. She is, however, responsible for hers. Underage drinking is bad, okay. So is drinking to the point of passing out. So, I think she was an idiot, yes. This does not mean I think she should have been raped or that what those boys did was in any way excusable.

My own boy turns twelve on Friday. I have no idea what to do with this. We don't watch the news, fortunately, so the story hasn't crossed his radar. He's still at the point where he thinks sex is icky and weird, and he has an "EWWWWW" reaction every time the subject comes up. But as a parent, I have to decide if I'm going to let him keep his innocence awhile longer, or if I'm going to sit down and have a talk with him about it.

Right now, sans a conversation with the Hubby, I'm coming down on the side of "let him keep his innocence." He's not going to parties yet, he's not interested in girls yet, and the lesson will be essentially meaningless at this point in his life and development.

But it will be a conversation I will have with him down the road.

Comments

[roseaponi.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean, and my boy is only 7. I'll be sorry when I have to crack his wonderful goofball exuberant innocence and warn him about just how evil people can be.

I was thinking of telling him:
No means no.
Drunk means no.
Young means no.
And if anyone is disregarding any version of a person's "no," I hope he's the sort of person to step up and speak out, and possibly take the poor kid home.

Ideally, of course, anything short of "married to each other" ought to be an automatic no, too. But that will be a decision he makes without my supervision, and I can only hope he's equipped to make it when the time comes.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Seriously. Think of how many societal problems would completely disappear if we went back to the "in the bounds of matrimony" standard. It's not just a religious ideal, it's logical. But somehow logic has been subsumed by "if it feels good, do it," so here we are.

All we can do is raise them to be decent human beings, and give them the tools to make the right decisions. What they choose to do when they're not under our roof is their responsibility.

It's scary.

[bojojoti.livejournal.com]

I wanted to wait longer with both our children, but popular culture and the out and out inaccuracies and speculations bandied about by their classmates made that impossible. By the time they were ten, I had to give them the score. It was none too soon as my son had some wacky misconceptions I was able to straighten out.

This situation with the Ohio girl is so troubling. I do understand the sadness at young lives being irreparably destroyed. Those were young, drunk boys. I am not defending them, but they are children, too.

Where were the adults in this situation? Where were the parents of the house where the party was held? When our children were teenagers, my husband and I agreed we would never leave them at home alone. Even though we trusted them, we knew that they were susceptible to peer pressure. They may not initially intend to have a party at our house, but it could have happened.

Where were the adult neighbors? If I see a bunch of underage children drinking, I'm calling the authorities, because they won't have the discernment to realize they shouldn't be driving afterward. Or engage in consensual or non-consensual sex.

Where are the parents of the children involved--including the raped girl? What parent allows her 16-year-old child to party all night? I didn't care what my children thought or said--I didn't care what other parents were doing--but I was going to know where my children were--to the best of my ability--who they were with, and what was going on. My kids had curfews--I can't remember what it was for 16 for my daughter, but probably 1 or 2 a.m. She had a phone, and she called in hourly after midnight to check in and to tell me she was getting ready to drive home. If I was concerned about who she was with, I'd call randomly to make certain she was fine. No text messages--I needed to hear her voice.

Parents need to be more aware and involved. They should never entrust their babies to the impaired judgment of other teens.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Seriously, "parent" is a verb, people. And clearly a lot of people fell down on the job there.

I dread the day when Da Boy can drive. Gyah.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

It's a sickening situation and the people threatening the victim deserve to have the book thrown at them as well. What sort of world is it when someone is violated and people scream at them because the perpetrators will be appropriately punished?

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

*sigh* A Fallen one, is what. Why can't we just be excellent to each other?

This whole thing is so gross.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

You are, of course, completely correct. Just sometimes it's more obvious than others.

[louli-rabbit.livejournal.com]

I wish I could say I was surprised. Instead I'm just sad.

At this point you can certainly have a conversation about drinking - underage or legal does not necessarily make people smarter about drinking to excess. And more importantly if he sees someone who needs help then he should try to do whatever he can to help. Either directly himself or calling for someone. You know, to be a HUMAN being not a monster.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Pretty much this, right here.

But at least I'm equipped to have the conversation, uncomfortable as it may be.

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

I thought of your post when I read this article the other day. I think it's well done -- though, of course, these kids thinking of "She has to say yes!" as such a revolutionary concept makes me want to put my head through the nearest wall.

http://accidentaldevotional.com/2013/03/19/the-day-i-taught-how-not-to-rape/

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

"She wasn't awake to say no."

That also means she wasn't awake to say Yes. Dear God. I'm glad they had that conversation. *shivers*

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

The things you have to spell out these days . . .