It's the little things...

[agilebrit]

I just moved a single line from one place in a paragraph to another place farther on in the paragraph so that it connects better with the last line in that paragraph.

It started like this:
They stopped, and he hung there by his bruised and bleeding wrists, limp and panting and wishing like hell he could pass out. One of them grabbed his hair and growled into his face, "Tell your bitch of a boss to back off. Or your girlfriend is next." The whip slashed across his chest once, and then backhanded across his stomach, and his wish was granted.

And now it's this:
They stopped, and one of them grabbed his hair and growled into his face, "Tell your bitch of a boss to back off. Or your girlfriend is next." Ben hung there by his bruised and bleeding wrists, limp and panting and wishing like hell he could pass out. The whip slashed across his chest once, and then backhanded across his stomach, and his wish was granted.

Yes. This is me, still tweaking the opening.

Comments

[ithildyn.livejournal.com]

Definitely works better.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

It's been bugging me for awhile, and I'm glad I finally figured out how to fix it.

It's really interesting to compare this version to the one I sent out to everyone...

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

But the opening is so damn important. Ya gotta hook your reader early.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I KNOW. ARGH. I've since tweaked it MORE. Because pronouns are ambiguous, and I don't want my readers to think that it's the bad guy hanging there by his bruised and bleeding wrists. Also, putting Ben's name in the last paragraph of the scene fixes his name in the reader's mind (I hope) so they'll remember him when he shows up later.

[foxybrownsgc.livejournal.com]

Switching that one line makes the opening look more like viewing a crash happen in front of your eyes as opposed to just driving by it after its happened. You see the cars smash, you know pain is coming, and you know whatever hellish pain is there you pray it's over soon for that person.

Awesome job! And yeah, that opening is important. There are too many novels where I've read the opening paragraph and was like, "Bored now. Moving on..."

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've added a few things to that opening scene to make it pop, and I think it's finally there. It's only a three-paragraph scene before we break away to something else, but it's really really important.

[highlander_ii]

*agrees* Like new paragraph better! =)

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how just moving one line (not even changing it, just moving it) turns something from "meh" to "Dude!" ;)

[highlander_ii]

Exactly!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

The second version is definitely better - the first version is fine - but when I read the second version it grips my attention much more.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

And I'm still tweaking it. Poor Ben. He just cannot catch a break.