*blinks* Well, I guess I've been roundly flamed.

[agilebrit]

Dude, what did I do to you?

Just got the following "reviews" for Indispensable, Exquisite Cats at FFN. Not only that, but they apparently felt obligated to read the epilogue and review it too.

This was for the first part:
well to be honest i didn't like it because well it was it sucked because you didn't have a great plot or storyline your description sucks and you don't know how to make a good romance scene it really didn't help with the whole spike/fred scenario and okay breaking out you really really suck and it was one of the shittiest stories i've read okay don't mean to go all simon cowell but it really did suck

And I got this for the epilogue:
oh my god there was more stench i couldn't help but look to see how it was it was just as bad maybe worst because you made buffy say "bizarro" horrible dear god woman gain some talent "some" talent is all i'm asking for jesus christ

Okay, the reviewer obviously can't write their own way out of a paper bag. Not only is that plain to see from the review itself, but I checked their profile too, since they were kind enough to review using their own name. Getting a review like this from someone who writes like that is *cough* comical, to say the least.

To my kind reviewer:
Dude, if Spike/Fred isn't your cuppa tea, then you could have hit the "back" button about a quarter of the way through the first page. Pairing bashing is SO fourth grade. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to "describe," in this fic. We know what Angel's office looks like, we know what the characters look like, we know what the White Room looks like. Gunn's transformation was described as much as I felt it needed to be, considering the POV. Buffy has used the word "bizarro" in canon; I've looked it up ("Gone," S6, in case anyone's curious). As for the "romance scene," what more do you want? Fred's half-conscious! If you expect a big smoochy "I lurrrve you" scene out of me with nekkidness and sex...well, you'll have a long wait. I don't write like that. Not only that, but this story was written over two years ago. I like to think that I've "gained some talent" since then.

Therefore, dear reviewer, I will take this "review" with the ginormous grain of salt it so richly deserves and use it to roast marshmallows. And no, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of flaming you back, replying (other than here), or even giving my flist a link to your account so they can go giggle, themselves, at your ineptitude and humongous blocks of text. If they want to find it badly enough, they're smart enough to do that.

Also? If it sucked so much, then why did you put me on your Favorite Authors list?

Somewhat gobsmacked and no love whatsoever,
babies-stole-my-dingo

PS: At least I know what a comma is for, and where my shift key is.

Comments

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

If it sucked so much, then why did you put me on your Favorite Authors list?,/i>

Aaaaargh - my head hurts!

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

*checks further*

*blinks*

Not only that, but the actual story went on their favorites list too.

I wonder if this is some strange way they have of keeping track of what they've reviewed. Perhaps they're unaware of FFN's handy tool that lets you do that without cluttering up your Favorites list...

[bigsciencybrain.livejournal.com]

I can barely even figure out what they're saying. *squints*

[kantayra.livejournal.com]

Ouch, ouch, ouch. This girl hurts my brain with her stupidity. o.O

Her comments are... *shudders* And her fics are - shockingly - even worse.

Just: WTF? o.O

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I'm battling two principles here. One of them concerns not feeding the trolls. The other is "Spare the snark and spoil the numpty." *sigh* Sometimes I hate letting my better nature win out...

[appomattoxco.livejournal.com]

This is why I don't even bother posting at the pit anymore. It doesn't matter if the review is good or bad 89% of them are stupid. Some of the reviews I've gotten don't make enought sense for me to tell if they are good or bad.

[0lesserknown0.livejournal.com]

Oh, God, the horror.

Well, at least you made her favorites list. *facepalm*

Some people are too stupid to review.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised she remembers to breathe...

[shaddyr]

::blinks::

Someone needs to use a clue-by-four on this less than completely literate braintrust.

But, that might be a waste of a good clue-by-four.

Don't worry. I'm sure she'll walk out in front of a metaphorical bus sooner or later. Karma's a bitch that way.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I'm skimming (because "reading" is far too strong a term, and my poor eyes don't want to bleed that much) her Angel fic...

This person takes issue with me having Buffy use the word "bizarro," and yet can't spell Illyria's name, abuses commas by not using them, has no idea how to punctuate and format dialogue...not to mention the canon abuse. Plus Spike and Buffy have this whole long conversation and then she says "by the way, this takes place in a bedroom." Um, YEAH. Out of left field much? And MY description sucks?

Dude. Just...dude.

[nodrogg.livejournal.com]

At a guess, I'd say she was drunk but used a spellchecker. Or else, well, maybe she's always like that, judging from the comments here of people who bothered to look her up.

Amazing, what a bad reputation the "Pit of Voles" has.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

Well, some of us try to be a beacon of light there. The Firefly fandom at the Pit isn't too bad, but that's probably a reflection of the audience of the show more than anything else.

And this girl? Man oh man...the more I read of her stories, the more amazed I was that someone like her would bust MY chops over things like description and dialogue. Because...wow. Just...wow.

[crayonbreakygal.livejournal.com]

Oh, damn. And I was so looking forward to the mocking. *facepalm* hehehe

Good grief. This is worse than when someone didn't like my story because Angel wasn't the main character. It was Wes/Faith. Said so. Don't read. Please click away. Deal, dumba**. This is really worse. Where's the grammar police when you need them.

P.S.--Spike/Fred would have been so awesome to actually see in canon. Just my opinion.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I could spork her on GAFF...because she's eminently sporkable. Or I could do an MST of her fic here. AFTER I finish the apocalyptothon fic, which is due in less than a week.

[hieispike.livejournal.com]

That's one weird reviewer.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I'm still snerking over the fact that a person who writes the line:

They slowly make it to the bed flooding with passion and make sweet, sweet love.

...tells me that I "don't know how to make a good romance scene."

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

HUH???? Good freaking grief, this person is from Bizarro world, where actual command of the English language is a crime against nature. I couldn't even figure out what she was trying to say.
I don't think I'm masochistic enough to even try to read anything she wrote.
:weird:

[mermaidrain.livejournal.com]

Holy Crap! WTH is that all about?! That's horrible. The person obviously was having a bad day or wanting something else. There was no need to take it out on you! At least you know it wasn't your writing!