WORST SHERLOCK HOLMES MOVIE EVER.

No, not the one with Robert and Jude. The Asylum knockoff.

Anyone bitching about Ritchie's movie needs to run, don't walk, to Walmart, find the $3 wall, and grab this so you can share my pain. Also, copious amounts of alcohol, because you're going to need it. The pacing is terrible, the plot is incomprehensible, the chemistry between Holmes and Watson is nonexistent, and the bare nod to the Canon is wholly inadequate.

Seriously, I should not be bored by a scene of Watson hanging off a cliff--in a scene that had nothing at all to do with the plot, when all is said and done. So, yeah, they go to the ocean to have a look at this ship that's been sunk by a giant octopus (RELEASE THE KRAKEN! oh, sorry, wrong movie), send Watson halfway down the cliff, he sees what turns out to be a dead guy in the water, starts coming back up, the rope breaks, I'm drinking (awful) beer in a desperate attempt to alleviate the utter suck...

And Watson never even sees the ship. Dead guy? Meh, who cares--he doesn't even tell them he saw a dead guy. It's like they wrote the scene, started to film it, and then said "OHSHIT! We ran out of budget for CGI, so we can't show the ship under the water! LET'S DO THIS INSTEAD. Hey, you, go in the ocean and pretend to be dead, there's a good fellow, we'll pay you an extra quid."

I mean, I'm all for a steampunk Holmes. Dinosaurs, yes, please, give me more of that. W00t, for mechanical flying dragons and hot-air balloons with...rotor blades? Whatever, I'm there. And Cybermen robots, yay! And I'm all for satire, as well, you know I loved "The Men Who Stare at Goats." But this wasn't satire. This was... I don't even know what this was. A desperate attempt to cash in on the coattails of an actual good movie, I guess.

I could have totally gone with it had it looked like they were halfway trying with the script (not to mention the acting). But they weren't. I was fully prepared to give this a chance and say that it wasn't as bad as it was being made out to be. Alas. I wanted to like it...

The icing on the cake? They gave Holmes a new first name. "Robert"! of all things. I wanted to throw something at my television, but refrained, because lord knows it wasn't the poor television's fault. It was probably traumatized too.

EVEN THE BLOOPER REEL IS INADEQUATE.

The fact that someone got paid to write this horrendous THING offends me on a deep and personal level.

WORST SHERLOCK HOLMES MOVIE EVER.

No, not the one with Robert and Jude. The Asylum knockoff.

Anyone bitching about Ritchie's movie needs to run, don't walk, to Walmart, find the $3 wall, and grab this so you can share my pain. Also, copious amounts of alcohol, because you're going to need it. The pacing is terrible, the plot is incomprehensible, the chemistry between Holmes and Watson is nonexistent, and the bare nod to the Canon is wholly inadequate.

Seriously, I should not be bored by a scene of Watson hanging off a cliff--in a scene that had nothing at all to do with the plot, when all is said and done. So, yeah, they go to the ocean to have a look at this ship that's been sunk by a giant octopus (RELEASE THE KRAKEN! oh, sorry, wrong movie), send Watson halfway down the cliff, he sees what turns out to be a dead guy in the water, starts coming back up, the rope breaks, I'm drinking (awful) beer in a desperate attempt to alleviate the utter suck...

And Watson never even sees the ship. Dead guy? Meh, who cares--he doesn't even tell them he saw a dead guy. It's like they wrote the scene, started to film it, and then said "OHSHIT! We ran out of budget for CGI, so we can't show the ship under the water! LET'S DO THIS INSTEAD. Hey, you, go in the ocean and pretend to be dead, there's a good fellow, we'll pay you an extra quid."

I mean, I'm all for a steampunk Holmes. Dinosaurs, yes, please, give me more of that. W00t, for mechanical flying dragons and hot-air balloons with...rotor blades? Whatever, I'm there. And Cybermen robots, yay! And I'm all for satire, as well, you know I loved "The Men Who Stare at Goats." But this wasn't satire. This was... I don't even know what this was. A desperate attempt to cash in on the coattails of an actual good movie, I guess.

I could have totally gone with it had it looked like they were halfway trying with the script (not to mention the acting). But they weren't. I was fully prepared to give this a chance and say that it wasn't as bad as it was being made out to be. Alas. I wanted to like it...

The icing on the cake? They gave Holmes a new first name. "Robert"! of all things. I wanted to throw something at my television, but refrained, because lord knows it wasn't the poor television's fault. It was probably traumatized too.

EVEN THE BLOOPER REEL IS INADEQUATE.

The fact that someone got paid to write this horrendous THING offends me on a deep and personal level.

Argh.

So, yeah. I scribbled two paragraphs of New Story yesterday. Six sentences.

It's now gone through no less than six edits. And it's still all I have.

Working title? "Parents of the Zombie Apocalypse." Because, I guess, everyone needs to write a zombie story once, right? *headdesks*

Why can't I write something halfway normal for once?

Argh.

So, yeah. I scribbled two paragraphs of New Story yesterday. Six sentences.

It's now gone through no less than six edits. And it's still all I have.

Working title? "Parents of the Zombie Apocalypse." Because, I guess, everyone needs to write a zombie story once, right? *headdesks*

Why can't I write something halfway normal for once?