agilebrit: (Over My Head)
[personal profile] agilebrit
I sat down and read my friend's story today. And in thinking about what feedback I'm going to give him, I have put my finger on what's wrong with the Hitman in Hell story and why I can't seem to get it off the ground:

It is rambly and unfocused, and I'm not sure what my protagonist actually wants.

Story, as has been oft said, is a Person in a Place with a Problem. Ideally, it has a Point, although that Point may not make itself known until after the thing is actually written, and writing to the point can often get in the way of your storytelling.

So the first question that needs to be asked is: What does this person want? The next question should immediately follow: What is preventing them from getting it? And the third question: What steps will they take to overcome those obstacles?

"Protag" is a verb. The character cannot be simply swept along by events; they have to make choices and do things, even if those choices and things are wrong and make things worse. Perhaps especially if they're made worse. There's a reason that we, as readers, like try/fail cycles and scene/sequel structure--they work to ramp up tension.

So, in much the same way that my friend's story cannot simply be a travelogue from Norway to Jerusalem, my story cannot simply be a travelogue through Hell. I have three characters here, all of whom need to want something.

I think part of my problem is that my hitman does not want to be in Hell, but here he is and there is no way he's getting out. Like, none. And he knows this. Therefore, I have to give him some other motivation to carry the story.

What that will be, I don't know yet. But I'd better figure it out soon, or that deadline is going to bite me on the ass.

Date: 2014-08-10 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baron-waste.livejournal.com
Not knowing anything about your story beyond what I read here, I suggest that your hit man be named Jacob Marley. If you recall, Mr Marley gained nothing personally by warning his old business partner Mr Scrooge of the error of his ways, at least so far as I recollect it, but it was certainly nice of him.

So, your hit man's goal may not be to escape from Hell, but rather to keep someone else from arriving there…?

Maybe… His acolyte or successor or whatever blames Mister Blue for the death of his father. He's sworn that Mister Blue will pay with his life. Now the hitman must find the shade of the acolyte's father and cause him to appear to the boy, to tell him that no, he slipped on a banana peel and fell out that window, that Mister Blue may be a scoundrel, but in this he is blameless! And obviously time is a factor here.

Just a thought.

Date: 2014-08-10 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agilebrit.livejournal.com
The basic premise is that he has died and arrived in Hell. He certainly deserves to be there. However, the person he tried unsuccessfully to save (her car went off a bridge into a river; he jumped in to try to save her and drowned) has also landed in Hell, and she is there via a rather egregious clerical error, as her grumpy Guardian Angel is quick to point out.

So he's trying to help her get out, and that is a fine and selfless goal--but I think he needs more, especially to carry a story of this length--which is supposed to be somewhere between 10000 and 18000 words. So the question is, what does he want? I may have to ponder this over drinks.

Also, happy (belated) birthday! :)

Date: 2014-08-11 02:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baron-waste.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Okay, well, remember the hierarchy:  Self, Family, Clan, Country, Species, Planet, &c..  If he can't save himself, saving his family's honor might be just as important to him.  Or else he might take the Hellenistic view, that true immortality is found in one's reputation - and after carving out the solid, go-to, Repo Man reputation he had, there's no way that he's gonna be remembered for the one time he screwed up!  His mental statue of himself may be reflecting flames - but that's 'cuz it's chromed, baby!

Date: 2014-08-10 09:12 pm (UTC)
ext_15169: Self-portrait (Hellmouse)
From: [identity profile] speakr2customrs.livejournal.com
If I was in Hell and knew I wasn't getting out (there's a way out of Hell in most stories, perhaps the best being Larry Niven's 'Inferno') then I'd want to meet some of the interesting people who must be there. I'd want to meet Christopher Hitchens, Genghis Khan, and Geronimo, and to interview people from late 15th-Century London to solve the mystery of what really did happen to the Princes in the Tower, but a hitman would have different priorities. Perhaps he'd want to meet Al Capone, or Harry Strauss, or Vlad the Impaler.

Date: 2014-08-10 10:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agilebrit.livejournal.com
I love "Inferno," but nope, he deserves it, he knows it, and I'm leaving him there. It's not all bad, though; he'll get, if not a happy ending, a decent one. The state of his soul is a bit... murky. The ending is easy; it's the Great Swampy Middle that's giving me fits.

I need to give him something concrete he has to strive for, something not easily obtainable...

More of a quest (besides the obvious one of getting the woman and her Guardian out of there), less of a travelogue.

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