On Imposter Syndrome
Aug. 22nd, 2014 11:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
agilebritI feel like a fraud.
By this time last year, I'd written and submitted over 100,000 words of new fiction.
This year, I'm at 41,500.
Less than half.
As you know, Bob, last year I decided I was finally going to get serious about this Writing Thing. I had a plan, and I stuck to it: A short story NaNo project in January, and then (if it was successful) another in June. January was wildly successful, and in June I did 40K. And there were stories between there too for various anthos. It was awesome.
This year, I was going to do the same thing. And then January rolled around... and I got sick. It has completely derailed me for the entire year. My creativity has screeched to a halt, the words are being recalcitrant, and sales have been super thin--five this time last year as opposed to two so far this year. And one of those, I wrote as a throwaway joke, ffs.
So this has all combined to make me seriously doubt myself and my abilities. And then someone like Larry Correia (whom I adore) thinks I'm super awesome and I just feel like I'm... a complete and utter fraud.
And I realize that the answer to this is to say "Screw you, brain, I'm going to write something terrific now," but the Muse is off sniggering in a corner drinking absinthe and eating chocolate-covered ants, which means I should probably have more than a vague notion of what I want to write instead of thinking "Oh, I can totally pants this one because I can write my mad scientist in my sleep," but I have far more than a vague notion of this other thing I need to write (on deadline!) and it's not coming either.
I feel burned out, and like maybe I should take a damn break, but I also feel like I've been taking a damn break for way too long (and also that my last three stories were kind of phoned in, even though they're objectively not--especially the last one, which got the "OMG YOU ARE TERRIBLE" reaction from one of my betas I was going for), which makes me feel guilty and starts the Spiral of Unworthiness all over again.
It is awful.
And I don't know what I need to pull me out of it. Affirmation is clearly counterproductive; I have that in spades and it just feeds the feeling that I'm a fraud. Kicking myself in the butt isn't working either, because it's feeding the feeling of guilt and Why Bother Because You Suck Anyway. Ugh.
But I also know that it is not just me. That other authors go through this. And that helps. It really does.
By this time last year, I'd written and submitted over 100,000 words of new fiction.
This year, I'm at 41,500.
Less than half.
As you know, Bob, last year I decided I was finally going to get serious about this Writing Thing. I had a plan, and I stuck to it: A short story NaNo project in January, and then (if it was successful) another in June. January was wildly successful, and in June I did 40K. And there were stories between there too for various anthos. It was awesome.
This year, I was going to do the same thing. And then January rolled around... and I got sick. It has completely derailed me for the entire year. My creativity has screeched to a halt, the words are being recalcitrant, and sales have been super thin--five this time last year as opposed to two so far this year. And one of those, I wrote as a throwaway joke, ffs.
So this has all combined to make me seriously doubt myself and my abilities. And then someone like Larry Correia (whom I adore) thinks I'm super awesome and I just feel like I'm... a complete and utter fraud.
And I realize that the answer to this is to say "Screw you, brain, I'm going to write something terrific now," but the Muse is off sniggering in a corner drinking absinthe and eating chocolate-covered ants, which means I should probably have more than a vague notion of what I want to write instead of thinking "Oh, I can totally pants this one because I can write my mad scientist in my sleep," but I have far more than a vague notion of this other thing I need to write (on deadline!) and it's not coming either.
I feel burned out, and like maybe I should take a damn break, but I also feel like I've been taking a damn break for way too long (and also that my last three stories were kind of phoned in, even though they're objectively not--especially the last one, which got the "OMG YOU ARE TERRIBLE" reaction from one of my betas I was going for), which makes me feel guilty and starts the Spiral of Unworthiness all over again.
It is awful.
And I don't know what I need to pull me out of it. Affirmation is clearly counterproductive; I have that in spades and it just feeds the feeling that I'm a fraud. Kicking myself in the butt isn't working either, because it's feeding the feeling of guilt and Why Bother Because You Suck Anyway. Ugh.
But I also know that it is not just me. That other authors go through this. And that helps. It really does.
