It's very, very strong. I'm not overly familiar with the story...sorry, I've got my own fishes I'm frying, though I am trying to be better at this sort of thing...anyway, I love the tone of this. It really works for me...I feel the conflict and desperation he's feeling in this. I can't decide if I like the sentence structure/paragraphing. (It could be a LJ formatting thing.) If it's not...I get it, I just don't know if I like it.

It's very good. I hope that helps!